Archive for the ‘Satire’ Category

A Tale of Two Houses

Wednesday, June 2nd, 2010

It’s a mid-term election year, and a famous investigative reporter is writing a book about a charismatic young presidential hopeful, looking for skeletons in the politician’s closet.  The reporter has already demonstrated his obsession with the politician by bidding over $60,000 on eBay for a dinner with the politician (barely losing out to a higher bidder) and has already written an article in which he opined, “There is a considerable gap between the image [this politician] tries to project and the reality that underlies it.”

Not content to be merely be in the same town, interviewing  neighbors and digging up dirt, the reporter decides to rent a house next door to the politician as a constant reminder that his scrutiny is relentless and even the politician’s children and spouse are not exempt from his watchful eye.  In the words of Martha and the Vandellas:  “Nowhere to run to; nowhere to hide.”

But the year isn’t 2010.  Let’s imagine for a moment it’s 2006 and the house in question isn’t in Wassilla, Alaska, but Chicago, Illinois.  And the charismatic young presidential hopeful is that state’s junior senator.  How would the press have reacted to this degree of intrusion into Barack Obama’s privacy or that of his wife and two young daughters?  Would there be cries of intimidation?  Would the race card have be played and images of burning crosses and hooded klansmen been evoked?  One can only imagine.

Looking at the photo of the Obama residence above, I’m reminded that much of the plot of land to the left of the house was purchased at a considerable discount from then Senator Obama’s old friend, Tony Rezko.  Could the President have been thinking ahead to a time when prying reporters might be pitching their tents on the land next to his house?

If you look at the Google satellite map of the neighborhood surrounding the Obama estate, you’ll notice that there wouldn’t have been very many opportunities for any Joe McGuinness wannabes to set up shop.  Aside from the Rezko addition, there’s a synagogue across the street – not much of an outpost for spying.  There does appear to be a building directly to the north of the Obama home (to the right of the photo above); perhaps some enterprising property owner could have rented it out if there had been any investigative reporters willing to go after the Obamas with the kind of dogged pursuit that McGuinness is currently going after the Palins.

But the odds of that ever happening are pretty slim.

War of the Worlds – 2010 Edition

Monday, March 15th, 2010

I saw something interesting on the podcast of last night’s  German news telecast Tagesthemen that as far as I can tell hasn’t been picked up by the mainstream media.  As of this writing, even the Drudge Report hasn’t posted anything about it.

On Saturday night, March 13, a privately-owned TV station in the former Soviet republic of Georgia aired a “simulation” of a Russian invasion of that country.  The telecast included footage of the actual invasion of Georgia’s South Ossetia province in August 2008.  There were reports of the Russian troops heading towards the capital of Tblisi, the assassination of Georgian President Saakashvili, and opposition leaders siding with the Russians. 

The whole thing was a hoax, reminiscent of the famous War of the Worlds broadcast by Orson Welles’s Mercury Theater of the Air on October 30, 1938.  And just like its predecessor more than 70 years earlier, most people missed the beginning of the program, thought the events were real, and panicked.  Here’s a link to a UK Guardian article about this incident.

I had my own experience with people panicking over something I wrote almost three years ago.  After posting a parody of some of the left-wing trolls that used to comment on this blog, I paraphrased Orson Welles’s epilogue to his War of the Worlds broadcast in the comments section.  One of things Welles said was this:  “We annihilated the world before your very eyes, and utterly destroyed the CBS.”  (CBS was the radio network that carried the broadcast of The War of the Worlds).  I changed CBS to the place of employment of most (if not all) of the trolls I was satirizing.

Well, you’d have thought I’d declared World War III.  So great was the feigned outrage by the trolls that I had to change it to “…and utterly destroyed the Ivory Dome.”  (In retrospect, that change was more in line with the original comment by Orson Welles.)  But for the almost three years (most recently on March 2nd of this year), one of the trolls has been using my original comment as a pretext for claiming that I’m some kind of mad bomber, hell-bent on destroying one of the great landmarks of Amarillo.

It’s been exactly 1,004 days since I allegedly threatened to blow up the American Quarter Horse Association.  Last I checked, it’s still intact.

Whoever Says “Change” The Most Times Wins!

Tuesday, January 8th, 2008

Since the 2008 presidential primary season has been unofficially dubbed the Campaign of Change™, I would like to offer a modest proposal that would eliminate the incovenience of running out of ballots, paying for expensive TV commercials, organizing tedious debates, hiring pollsters, or even holding caucuses, primaries or a general election.

The proposal:  Count how many times each candidate says the word “change” and award the presidency to the person with the highest tally on the date that the election would have been held.

By my best estimates, here are the current leaders:

Obama:  6,954,213

Romney:   5,285.977

Clinton:  1,549,456

The candidate with the fewest number of “changes” is Mike Gravel (D-AK), with a grand total of one.  Back last September, Gravel lamented that his campaign was so strapped for funds, he couldn’t even afford a “change” of clothes.

There could also be some variations on this scheme.  For instance, Mitt Romney could be awarded one-half a “change” every time he says, “Washington is broken,” and Hillary Clinton could be deducted one-half a “change” every time she uses the word “experience” within five words of uttering the word “change.”  Conversely, she could be awarded an additional 5,000 points for being the only presidential candidate to have gone through the “Change” of Life.

For those voters who wish to support their favorite candidate, campaign contributions could still be made, but these monies would only be used to add to the “change” count.

It would give a whole new meaning to the phrase, “Does anybody have ‘change’ for a dollar?”.

Truly A Fate Worse Than Death

Monday, December 10th, 2007

It was a dark and stormy night…………

It was a terrible nightmare, the most horrible one you could imagine. In the nightmare I found myself nude in bed, and I was looking at a mirror on the ceiling, and I discovered that I am a negro and that I’m circumcised!

Quickly I jumped up, found my pants and looked in the pockets for my drivers license photo-and it was the same. I’m Black. No, No, God No, it can’t be!!

I felt myself feeling very depressed, downcast sitting in a chair. But it’s a wheelchair!! That means of course besides being Black and Jewish I’m also disabled!!!  I said to myself, aloud “This is impossible.  It’s impossible that I should be Black, Jewish and disabled.”

“It’s the pure and holy truth,” someone whispers from behind me. I turn around and it’s my boyfriend. Just what I needed!!! I’m a homosexual whore and on top of that with a Mexican boyfriend. Sonofabitch!!!! Black, Jewish, disabled, gay, a drug addict with a Mexican boyfriend and HIV positive.

Desperate, I begin to shout, cry, pull my hair, and OH No!! I’m Bald!!

The telephone rings. It’s my brother, he’s saying “since Mom and Dad died the only thing you do is hang out, take drugs, and laze around all day, doing nothing. Get a job you worthless piece of crap any job. ”  Mom…..?? Dad…….??  Noooooooooooo!!!! Now I’m also and unemployed orphan!!

I try to explain to my brother how hard it is to find a job when your a Black, Jewish, diabled gay, with a mexican boyfriend, are a drug addict, HIV-positive, bald, and an orphan. But he doesn’t get it. Frustrated I hang up. It’s then I realize I only have one hand!!

With tears in my eyes I go to the window to look out. I see I live in a shanty town full of cardboard and tin houses. There is trash everywhere.

Suddenly I feel a sharp pain near my pacemaker…..Pacemaker? Besides being black, Jewish, disabled, a fairy with a mexican boyfriend, a drug addict, Hiv-positive, bald,  orphaned,  unemployed invalid with one hand,  and having a bad heart, I live in a crappy neighborhood.

At that very moment my boyfriend approaches and says to me, “Sweetiepie, my little black heart throb,  Have you decided who your going to vote for in the primary?”

“Is it going to be Hillary or Barack?”

Sonofabitch!!! Say it isn’t so!!!!! I can handle being a black, disabled one armed, drug addicted, jewish queer, who is on a pacemaker HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, lives in a slum, and has a Mexican boyfriend, but nooooo…….

      Please don’t tell me I’m a Democrat!!!!!!!!!!! 

The, “Gay Bomb”

Monday, December 10th, 2007

I saw this today in a news report. It made me think about this story I had read awhile back.

Now we already know that Islam all but hates its women. It is wide known that Homosexual behavior is fairly common among Muslim men. Our perspective #2 enemy is China. Thay have for many years now practiced a one child policy. The result has been selective abortion where most couples kill the girl and continue till they have a boy. As in prison and the priesthood when there are no women men seem often turn to each other in unnatural ways.

Perhaps these two stories should be reopened by our defense department.  Seems like it could potentially be the perfect weapon. While the enemy troops are busy doing their own impersonation of the tent scene in bareback mountain, our troops could be calmly walking around shooting the loving couples.

You got to admit it is funny.

Global Warming

Friday, August 3rd, 2007

More indisputable evidence of global warming.

We’ve Done It!

Thursday, June 14th, 2007

Throught the miracle of blogspot interface, we’ve been able to hack into this racist, sexist, homophobic, lying blog to post the Truth, the Whole Truth and Nothing but the Truth about these lying, racist, sexist, homophobic bushchimpsterhilterrepeblithugchenyrove (did I say racist?) fascists!!!!!

Here are some links that prove, PROVE, I say, that everything all these morans say are LIES, LIES, LIES!!!!

http://www.maebrussell.com/Mae%20Brussell%20Articles/Nazi%20Connection%20to%20JFK%20Assass.html

http://www.total911.info/2005/06/911-truthers-confront-nist-at-wtc.html

http://www.bartcop.com/webring.htm

http://www.savagestupidity.com/links.html

http://blogs.knoxnews.com/knx/telebuddy/archives/rosie05.jpg

http://www.heptune.com/farts.html

http://uglydemocrats.com/democrats/United-States/Michael-Moore/michael-moore-2.jpg

Rush Limbaugh is a racist.  Michael Savage is a racist.  Paul Harvey is a racist. 

H.V. Kaltenborn was a racist.

http://www.otr.com/kaltenborn.shtml

Everyone is a racist except us; we hate everybody (except each other, of course).

I could go on, but why bother?  We’re smart – they’re dumb.  We’re right – they’re wrong.  We win – they lose.  Every… single… time!!!

Case closed.

Take that!!!!

Very truly yours, 

Vicegrip

Pinhead (f/k/a Eastwood; former – yeah, that’s right, FORMER - co-worker of Vicegrip. I’ve moved on, y’know.)

 

UPDATE:  In the spirit of reconciliation and to assuage any unfounded fears, I’m changing one word in my paraphrase of the Orson Welles quote.  If you compare it to the original quote by Welles, I think you’ll agree it makes for a better analogy, too.

Washingtons’s Paradox of the Liberal and the Conservative (Tortoise and Achilles)

Saturday, May 19th, 2007

Washington of the Potomac (circa 1776) is credited with creating several famous paradoxes, but by far the best known, is the paradox of the Liberal and The Conservative.  (The Conservative being the greatest document ever written, the American Constitution, the Liberal representing the forces of obfuscation) The Conservative has inspired many great writers and thinkers through the ages, but it has also been hated by the Liberal, who are purely emotional in their actions.

The original goes like this:

The Liberal challenged The Conservative to a race, claiming that he would win as long as the Conservative gave him a small head start. 

The Conservative circa 1965 laughed at this, for of course he represented the vast majority of voters, whereas the Liberal was basically unheard of.
How big a head start do you need?” he asked the Liberal with a smile.

“The voteing rights act of 1965, and a major change to the immigration act along with eight Liberal judges that will work with us to misrepresent you, the Constitution,” the latter replied.

The Conservative laughed louder than ever. “You will surely lose, my friend, in that case, as I am represented by hundreds of Judges that are strict constitutionalist” he told the Liberal, “but let us race, if you wish it.”

“On the contrary,” said the Liberal after the deal was struck, “I will win, and I can prove it to you by a simple argument.”

“Go on then,” The Conservative  replied, with less confidence than he felt before. He knew he was the superior philosphy, but he also knew the Liberal was sharper when it came to deciet, trickery, and palatable lies.

“So,” began the Liberal, “you have given  me  ten distortions of you  as a head start. Would you say that you could work around and not be defeated by those ten laws, very quickly?”

“Very quickly,” The conservative affirmed.

“And in that time, how many more misrepresentations of you will I be able to achieve, do you think?”

“Perhaps a single additional misrepresentation of me– no more,” said the Conservative after a moment’s thought.

“Very well,” replied the Liberal, “so now there are eleven law’s between us. And you would catch up and work around that also very quickly?”

“Very quickly indeed!”

“And yet, in that time I shall have gone a little way farther and added a new misreprsented constitutional law, so that now you must catch up to that also, yes?”

“Ye-es,” said the Conservative slowly.

“And while you are doing so, I shall have misrepresented even further, so that you must then catch up to even more,” the Liberal continued smoothly.

The conservative said nothing.

“And so you see, in each moment you must be catching up, I – at the same time – will be adding a new distortion, however small, for you to catch up to again. Eventally there will be nothing left of you”

“Indeed, it must be so,” said the Consevative wearily.

“And so you can never catch up, you are defeated” the Liberal concluded smugly.

“You have tricked me again, as always. Your deceit wins,” said the Conservative sadly – and conceded the race.

Of course this is a paradox,  that is not a paradox as the Liberal thru treachery and deceit is hiding the fact that eventually there will be a tie, at which time the Conservative would easily repair the damage done by the Liberal.

When will the people realise that they are the victom of a sham? A sham perpetuated by a Liberal judicial system. A system that hates the first three , and the biggest words of the constitution. We the People, we the  intellectual and moral majority (good bye Jerry Falwell) of these United Sates of America.

What we face these days is actually a reverse of Washington’s paradox. Misled by liberal treachery the Constitution runs unknowingly, backwards to fullfill the predictions of the Liberal. How easily could we escape this cesspool of multiculturism, but for the trickery of the Liberal and their control of the judiciary. More cries the Liberal. More laws and taxes and we will legislate away all of societies ill’s. An emotional philosophy that is  making things much worse. How easy it would be to demand strict interpretation of the constitution. Only that will solve the vast majority of societies ills.

Few realize, how close we are to the crossroad of Liberal victory. A victory based solely on deception and lies. A victory that will, eventually and irrovocalbly, throw the USA into a downward spiral that will forever snuff out that greatest of all documents, The American Constitution. No person, group, culture, or race should be above,  excluded from, or allowed to circumvent, this greatest of all concepts.   Will we concede the race?  Will we be fooled by Liberal trickery into giving up before there is even a fight?

We must fight and then,” We the people“, will win. But be complacent, keep believing the lies of the Liberal, and we will all lose, and the real paradox will be that it is the Liberal who will lose the most. 

Another War Hero Dissed

Thursday, November 16th, 2006

I am shocked, SHOCKED I say, to see that the good reputation of another Vietnam War hero has been besmirched, this time by Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington (CREW):

http://blog.citizensforethics.org/taxonomy/term/88

John Murtha earned two Purple Hearts, the Vietnamese Cross for Galantry, and the Bronze Star with Valor device.

That’s dispicable.  The man’s a decorated United States Marine Corps veteran. Something those lying left-wing scumbags will never be able to change.

(/sarcasm off)

 

Where was Bush Yesterday?!

Tuesday, July 11th, 2006

Why wasn’t he up in the air running to one of his bunkers or ordering jets shot down as soon as news broke of a house blowing up in NYC? How many minutes did he spend doing some menial task while the US could potentially be under attack?

Do you suppose he was out bragging that his policies have increased taxes collected on corporate tax revenues by 13% and, combined with the higher tax receipts from the richest people in America, has cut the budget deficit to below 300 billion?